Nov 17, 2020
“My husband is just an extra child I have to take care of.”
“I feel more like his maid than his lover.”
“If I don’t take care of everything, nothing would ever get done around here.”
These are the types of statements I hear from “Overfunctioners.”
What’s an Overfunctioner?
Ultimately, it’s one way you might manage your anxiety.
We all do it from time to time. (But women tend to overfunction more often than men.)
Here’s how it works…
It all starts when you start to worry that something important might not get done.
“Will my husband stay on the health plan the doctor put him on?”
“Will my son turn off his video game and take out the trash before our guests arrive tonight?
“Will my daughter finish her math homework? She’s in danger of failing that class…”
“Will my dad take his meds so he can control his blood pressure?”
You worry because you have NO control over whether or not these things will actually get done.
And because it’s all outside your control, your brain starts to do HORRIBLIZE.
You start thinking about the most horrible scenario that could play out if these things don’t get done.
“If my husband doesn’t stay on the health plan, he might have an early heart attack and die!”
“If my son doesn’t take out the trash, our guests are going to think we are uncivilized slobs!”
“If my daughter fails math, she’ll never get into college… and then she’ll never move out, find a creer, get married, or have a family!”
“If my dad doesn’t take his meds, he’s going to die tomorrow, and mom will have to move in with us! I’m not ready to plan a funeral!”
When you start to HORRIBLIZE, it makes you very anxious.
And when you get anxious, you start thinking of solutions to get rid of the anxiety…
And that’s when you have the brilliant idea!
It’s the answer to all your worries!
“What if I just wake up extra early to make my husband a healthy lunch every morning, then I take out the trash, then I sit next to my daughter to make sure she does her math homework correctly, and then I call my dad every night to make sure he takes his meds?!
“If I just put myself in charge of all of this stuff it will definitely get done. Which means, BONUS… I don’t have to worry about it anymore!”
Genius, right?
And the best part of all?
Everyone thinks you’re pretty amazing for being the engine that keeps your marriage, your family, and your friendships going.
At first you feel a bit like a hero.
You love that everyone depends on you. It makes you feel important. Valuable. Irreplaceable.
But, after a while, you start to realize that people have started see your help as an expectation, not as a kindness.
And eventually, you start to feel resentful. What used to feel like an act of love and service now feels like a burdensome obligation that has been placed on your shoulders.
And then you reach a breaking point and your world comes crashing down...
You learn that your husband regularly leaves your thoughtful, pre-packed lunches in the fridge at work so he can go to “business lunches” at restaurants with colleagues…
Your son is driving you nuts, because he never does his chores, and refuses to turn off his video games...
Your daughter makes you want to pull your hair out because she has learned that if she plays stupid for long enough, you’ll just do her math homework for her…
And every time you talk to your dad it ends up in an argument about his health. You don’t talk about anything but his pills anymore.
You can’t live like this anymore!
“Am I the only one who cares about getting anything done around here?!”
“If I just disappeared tomorrow, their whole world would fall apart.”
“They have NO idea how much I do for them that they completely take for granted!”
You’d do anything for the people you love…
So, why don’t they love you enough to see that you’re burned out and lend a hand… or at least say thank you?
UGH!
(Is this hitting home yet?)
So… what’s the solution to dealing with the resentment?
Well, one solution would be to stop doing everything for everyone. But that terrifies you.
What if they don’t follow through?!
Or worse… what if they try to do it, but they fail or do it wrong?
The anxiety that comes with watching the people you love fail is too great.
So, you opt for option #2…
You complain.
You start nagging your husband.
You start harping on your kids.
You call your friends to gripe about how everyone misbehaves and takes you for granted.
You seek validation from anyone who will listen.
Meanwhile, everyone starts to resent you for being a giant fun-sucking, black hole of happiness.
You become unpleasable, angry, and no fun to be around.
You whine that nobody helps you.
Then when people try to help you, you complain that they’re doing it wrong.
There’s no winning.
You’re miserable.
They’re miserable.
Everyone’s miserable.
All because of a little anxiety that you just wanted to go away.
So… how do you fix it?
How do you stop overfunctioning?
That’s what we talked about in today’s interview with Dr. Kathleen Smith, author of Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down.