Mar 23, 2020
Are you a problem-solver?
When your partner gets upset or frustrated, or you get in a little tiff, do you go right into solution-finding mode?
If you are, welcome to the club.
I, also, am a problem-solver.
It’s hard to beat that feeling when you can make an annoying problem disappear.
Unfortunately, our amazing problem-solving skills can be terrible for marriage.
Research shows that 69% of conflict in a marriage is unresolvable, perpetual conflict. The kind of problems that don’t go away… ever.
Ugh! So dumb.
So, if over half of your problems can’t be solved, what the heck are you supposed to do with them?
That’s exactly what I talk about in today’s podcast episode!
But for those of you who like reading, and not listening, I’ll clue you in.
When you bump into unsolvable problems like:
I’m an extrovert, she’s an introvert
I’m a neat-freak, he’s cluttery
I am a rule-follower, he’s a rule-breaker
I’m an early bird, she’s a night owl
I’m a saver, he’s a spender
Or any other marriage issue…
I want you to do one thing before you try to “solve” the problem.
Seek mutual understanding!When you get curious and seek to understand what’s going on in your partner’s head and heart during (or after) a time a conflict, the solvable problems almost always get solved, and the unsolvable problems get minimized.
It’s like magic!
Start by saying, “Help me understand.”
Listen to your partner as they share their feelings.
Repeat back to them (word-for-word) what you hear until they feel like you really get what’s going on for them.
Then switch roles.
You’ll be amazed at how NOT focusing on solving problems actually makes them go away.
Try it out and let me know how it goes!
-Nate
P.S. Want to learn more about this? Check out Say What You Need To Say. It’s the communication course I’ve been working on for the last year.
The purpose of SWYNTS is to give couples everything they need to
feel confident that they can handle any obstacle or trial life
throws at them and still keep their marriage
strong.