Jan 7, 2020
Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon.
It’s not something you consciously do.
It’s an instinct.
Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain.
A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face…
It doesn’t matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you.
Now, here’s something most people don’t know.
Physical pain and emotional pain… they’re processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both!
You’ve probably noticed the emotional flinch.
You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad.
You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again.
Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person.
They may not be big hurts…
But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain.
Ever hear of roommate syndrome?
Maybe you’ve heard people say, “We just grew apart.”?
This is how that happens.
The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things.
When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don’t tell them to get over it. You simply say, “Ooops! I’m sorry!”
Accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is no different.
Apologizing doesn’t mean saying you are malicious. It doesn’t mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn’t even mean you’re wrong!
Most of the time it’s about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective.
“I can see how my tone could have been hurtful.”
“I totally get why you are upset that I didn’t come home on time.”
“It makes sense why you’d be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn’t mean it to be hurtful. I’m sorry.”
When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy.
If you’re feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.)
Try it out… see what a difference it makes.